Three Hundred, A Musical

Act I


Scene 5

(The HOTEL LOBBY. The DESK CLERK is standing behind the desk, and MCDONALD is standing in front of the desk.)

CLERK

So what do you think of my idea, sir?

MCDONALD

I know business is slow. But I really don’t think the answer is turning this place into an adult hotel!

CLERK

But all it would take would be a few mirrors on the ceilings, an X-rated movie channel, hourly rates . . .

MCDONALD

I really don’t think so.

CLERK

Topless waitresses in the dining room . . .

MCDONALD

That will be quite enough, thank you very much. (HE turns away in disgust, as BILLY and MARIE enter through the front door.) Hello, sweetheart. Good evening, Billy.

BILLY

Hi, Mr. McDonald.

MARIE

Daddy, I brought Billy here so you could talk to him about you know what.

MCDONALD

(HE glances at the DESK CLERK, who busies himself with other duties.)
You’ve come at an excellent time, as it happens. We may have an immediate opening.

BILLY

Sir?

MCDONALD

(Putting HIS arm around BILLY and walking him to CENTER STAGE.)
Son, have you given any thought to what you’re going to do after bowling?

BILLY

Well, I usually just have a couple of beers and . . .

MCDONALD

No, no. I mean after your bowling days are over.

BILLY

Excuse me?

MCDONALD

I realize that bowling is a wonderful sport. Why I, myself, have been known to pick up a ball now and then and toss it at the old needles.

BILLY

Pins.

MCDONALD

Of course. The point is that soon you’ll want to begin charting the course your life will take after bowling is no longer the thrill it once was. You’ll want to get a real job, settle down, marry a nice girl.

BILLY

I had one in mind, but she’s not speaking to me at the moment.

MCDONALD

Pay no mind to that. It’s just something they do now and then. My wife once refused to speak to me for two weeks once because I forgot to buy her a card on Sweetest Day.

BILLY

(Glancing at MARIE.)
I can’t imagine anybody doing something like that.

MCDONALD

The truth, I swear it. In any case, I happen to be in a position to solve all your problems.

BILLY

You can keep me from dropping my shoulder?

MCDONALD

(After a slight pause.)
Almost all your problems. Billy, how would you like to come to work for me?

BILLY

You mean here? (He glances around.) At the hotel?

MCDONALD

That would be the general idea. I would make you the assistant manager. I’d teach you all about the business. And some day, when I retire, this could all be yours. I never had a son, you know.

BILLY

Gee, I don’t know what to say, sir.

MCDONALD

This would also be a very nice place for a wedding reception, if you know what I mean.

BILLY

(Glancing at MARIE.)
This is a package deal, am I right?

MCDONALD

Think of it as the opportunity of a lifetime: A wife, a job, a future, all tied up in a neat package, as you so aptly put it.

BILLY

But I don’t know if I’d like working in a hotel. I don’t know anything about it.

MCDONALD

You could learn. I’ll teach you everything you need to know.
THE HOTEL BUSINESS IS A SWELL BUSINESS.
THERE’S NOTHING NOT TO LIKE.
YOU’RE GIVING PEOPLE SHELTER.
YOU MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME.
THEY’LL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE TO STAY
FROM NEW ORLEANS TO NOME.

BILLY

Nome?

MCDONALD

AND IN OUR FAIR CITY, SUCH A SWELL CITY,
I’M THE MAN TO SEE.
OUR RATES OUR INEXPENSIVE.
OUR BEDS ARE VERY NICE.
WE ALWAYS HAVE HOT WATER
AND BUCKETS FULL OF ICE.

AND I CAN TELL, BILLY, YOU’D BE SWELL, BILLY,
AT RUNNING THIS HOTEL.
YOU’RE INTELLIGENT AND FORTHRIGHT.
PEOPLE LIKE YOUR LOOKS.
AND THE WAY YOU FIGURE BOWLING SCORES,
YOU COULD EVEN KEEP THE BOOKS!

BILLY

Gee!

MCDONALD

SO WON’T YOU JOIN OUR FAMILY, IT’S A SWELL FAMILY.
WE’RE CULTURED AND REFINED.
MY DAUGHTER’S NOT TOO CRAZY,
WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE.
MY WIFE WOULD LIKE A GRANDCHILD, BOY,
AND I COULD USE A SON.

BILLY

Dad!

MCDONALD

THERE’S ONLY ONE CONDITION. YOU NEED MY PERMISSION,
AND I REALLY HOPE YOU SEE:
YOU’VE GOT TO GIVE UP THIS THING ABOUT BOWLING,
BEFORE YOU’LL MARRY MY MARIE.

(Short dance number.)

YOU’VE GOT TO GIVE UP THIS THING ABOUT BOWLING,
BEFORE YOU’LL MARRY MY MARIE.

MARIE

(CROSSES to BILLY, puts HER arms around HIM.)
Oh, Billy, please say yes!

BILLY

(Pulling away from HER.)
I don’t know, Marie. It’s an awful lot to think about all of a sudden

MARIE

Why do you have to think about it? Don’t you love me?

BILLY

Of course I love you, but . . .

MARIE

But what?

BILLY

I can’t give up my dream.

MARIE

Your dream! But what about my dream? (CROSSES DOWNSTAGE, as LIGHTS DIM.) I’ve always known we’d get married, Billy, ever since we were little kids and you used to chase me around the playground. Remember?

BILLY

I remember. But that was a long time ago. We were just children.

MARIE

You’re still a child, Billy Jones! You just want to play games. Well, it’s time to grow up.

BILLY

Why? I like things the way they are. I . . . I’m not ready for all this!

MARIE

You have to choose, right now! I won’t wait for you any longer.

BILLY

(Backing away, beyond the narrowing circle of light.)
It’s not fair. I can’t decide. I can’t!

MARIE

All right for you, Billy. If you won’t decide, I will.
I CAN’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE.
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS FOR.
I’M A GIRL WHO NEEDS A MAN WHO NEEDS ME.
AND YOU DON’T NEED ME ANY MORE.

ALL THOSE THINGS WE USED TO DO
DON’T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU.
YOU DON’T EVER SAY YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME,
THE WAY YOU DID WHEN OUR ROMANCE WAS NEW.

DON’T SAY YOU CARE. IT ISN’T FAIR.
I DON’T BELIEVE YOU DO.
YOU SAY HELLO, AND THEN YOU GO,
I’M ALONE AND BLUE.

I’LL FIND SOMEONE WHO’LL BE TRUE,
KIND AND STRONG AND GENTLE, TOO.
HE’LL BE SOMEONE NICE WHO MAKES ME HAPPY.
SOUNDS JUST LIKE A BOY THAT I ONCE KNEW.

DON’T SAY YOU CARE. IT ISN’T FAIR.
I DON’T BELIEVE YOU DO.
YOU SAY HELLO, AND THEN YOU GO,
I’M ALONE AND BLUE.

WE DON’T SHARE A SINGLE DREAM;
THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.
BUT I CAN'T LOVE YOU,
I REALLY SHOULDN’T LOVE YOU,
DARLING, I DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE.

(MARIE stands alone on the stage as the CURTAIN falls.)

END OF ACT I

GO TO ACT II, SCENE 1