(IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This column was not technically, per se, as such, written by Dave Barry. I'm confident that he would have written it if I had asked him, but I knew I couldn't afford it, so I didn't actually ask. So this is what is known as a parody, a piece written in the style of the person being parodied. Dave's people said it was okay to run the article if I put this disclaimer up front. Now pretend you never read it.)

I was first introduced to classic movies as a child. This was unavoidable, because all movies at that time were, in today's parlance, "classic." Of course, that is because I was born in the 1940s -- or, as young people today refer to it, "BM" (before malls/microwaves/modems).

As I grew toward adulthood (a state I'm planning to achieve soon), I became more and more appreciative of the cinematic treasures which had been available to me at the local movie house for only two bits -- or, as young people today refer to it, "a quarter." A few years ago I began my collection of classic movies, and today, thanks to Columbia House, it now numbers in the dozens. (Hundreds, if you include classic "smokers." But that's another column.)

So, in order to help you young people learn more about the olden days of film, when colorful language like "two bits" and "so's your old man" was heard in the pool halls of the land (rhymes with "T"), I've put together this handy Guide to Classic Movies, consisting of a list of dull but important facts about classic movies that you will need to know before viewing these movies without an adult, if you ever get off the phone long enough to pay attention.

Many Classic Movies Were Filmed in Black and White

We really don't know exactly why this was true. Perhaps nobody ever thought of filming them in color, in the same way that nobody until the modern era ever thought of bombarding cold pizza with potentially fatal radiation in order to make it taste like real food. But today, if Ted Turner or some other philistine even hints at "colorizing" (literally, "destroying the essence of") a black and white film, the classic film community sets up a howl of protest. Ted goes ahead and does it anyway, proving that the classic film community should probably set up its howls in color rather than black and white so that Ted will be able to hear them more clearly.

It has been suggested that the reason movies were in black and white in those days was because there were no other colors. This is patently false. For example, in the famous classic film, Casablanca, doesn't Humphrey Bogart say, "You wore blue; the Germans wore grey," or something like that? So we can conclude from this that Germany may have existed entirely in shades of grey, but people living in Paris at the time clearly had at least a rudimentary knowledge of basic colors. I could go on, but I see you're already starting to nod off.

Silent Movies Were Filmed in Black and White and Without Sound

Hence the term "silent." It is even more difficult to determine why nobody ever thought of adding sound to silent films. After all, you can see the actors' lips moving, and every once in a while the scene is interrupted by some dialogue written on the screen. So it is unlikely that there was no sound in those days. You often see actresses clapping their hands over their ears to shut out unpleasant words and sounds, so we know they could hear things. (Unless they smelled with their ears, and considering that his was before roll-on underarm deoderants, that theory would have to be considered, if only very briefly.)

As scholars in the field have pointed out, silent films were normally accompanied by very specific musical scores, which were written to complement the individual films and designed to be played live by musicians in the local movie theater. Unfortunately, all but one of those scores have been tragically lost. The single surviving piece of music (found on a player piano in a saloon about to be demolished in Butte, Montana) is now played with every silent film in honor of those lost compositions. The same piece of music was often used for cartoons made in the 40s. We are all quite sick of it by now, but nobody would dare upset the silent film community by suggesting that modern composers write appropriate music. I'm sure the howls of protest would be audible even to Ted Turner.

One final point: There is a reason why people in the days of silent film walked and talked so fast. There was only one movie camera, which had been created by Thomas Edison but never manufactured in quantity (this was before the assembly line was invented by Henry Ford). He charged a lot to rent it, so they had to work very fast, often making dozens of films in one day. Also, they were all taking amphetamines.

Humphrey Bogart did not say, "Play it again, Sam"

Rick Blaine, the character Bogart played in Casablanca, actually said it. Sorry, trick question. Also, Cary Grant never said "Judy, Judy, Judy." He actually said, "Booty, booty, booty," thus explaining the popularity of that term today.

Why is it that so many lines from classic movies are misquoted? Probably because the people quoting these lines last saw the movie in 1945, and have since lost a great many brain cells as part of the natural aging process. This would also explain the continuing popularity of It's a Wonderful Life, which has been broadcast on local TV alone over fifteen million times since its copyright expired.

Why the Movies of Chris Farley Are Not Considered "Classic"

Finally, I like a good Chris Farley movie as well as anybody, and I was certainly saddened by his death, predictable though it may have been. But you must remember that the term "classic" has been defined by a bunch of old geezers who probably walked out in the middle of Pulp Fiction, and who still use words like "records" and "davenport" and "pocketbook." A Night at the Opera (Marx Brothers) was the Tommy Boy of their youth. You'll get your turn. But keep in mind that just because you don't remember seeing a movie made before 1989, that doesn't mean there aren't some tasteless, violent, full-color films you can rent and watch that were made in the olden days. There's A Clockwork Orange, for example, the Pulp Fiction of its day. And I'm sure I can think of another one if you give me a minute...

(Please visit Dave Barry's Web site at http://www.davebarry.com/.)