The Top Ten List phenomenon is truly epidemic, and I have to tell you that I caught the bug some time ago, and seize every opportunity to create my own Top Ten lists. Here's one I'm sure fans of classic movies will enjoy. These are the Top Ten remakes of classic movies that I'm sure we all hope and pray will never be made, in reverse order:

10. Moby Dick. A Disney cartoon remake (renamed Moby Dan), with the voice of Dom DeLuise as crusty Captain Ahab. He and his lovely mermaid friend Fishtail (speaking voice of Brett Butler, singing voice of Alanis Morrissette) take Ahab's young nephew Ishmael (Matthew Broderick) on a delightful romp at sea in search of the legendary great white whale Moby Dan (Robin Williams). Though songs of the whale's evil temper and destructiveness are sung by many of the friendly natives on the islands visited by the jolly crew, Moby turns out to be a lonely but lovable giant. Ishmael learns an important lesson: Things aren't always as they appear!

9. Casablanca. Starring the cast of Melrose Place. Heather Locklear as Ilsa must choose between the handsome young coffee shop owner, Rick, played by Andrew Shue, and the handsome young anti-abortion crusader, Vic, played by Grant Show. With Courtney Thorne-Smith as Captain Lisa Renault and Daphne Zuniga as Signora Ferrari (the Sydney Greenstreet role), basically reprising her role as Princess Zespa in Spaceballs. The hopeful ending is jettisoned in favor of a tragic plane crash at the airport, killing(?) all on board the plane and leaving Rick and Captain Renault bedridden together (until the sequel).

8. Way Out West. Renewing their successful partnership from Tommy Boy, David Spade and Chris Farley star in this new version of the Laurel and Hardy comedy classic. With Tank Girl star Lori Petty as the heroine and Anthony Hopkins as the nasty sheriff. The setting is changed from Gold Rush era Brushwood Gulch to modern-day Beverly Hills.

7. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Courtney Love recreates the Marilyn Monroe classic. Madonna plays the sidekick role originally filled by Jane Russell. With updated songs, including "Cocaine Is A Girl's Best Friend" and "A Little Tart From Little Italy."

6. The Bridge On The River Kwai. Jim Carrey takes on the Alec Guiness role and turns it into a laugh riot. Instead of a Japanese prison camp in Burma, this time it's a prison work gang in Nevada building a viaduct on Route 66. With Noriyuki "Pat" Morita as the long-suffering prison warden.

5. Hamlet. A Disney cartoon remake. With his father dead and his evil uncle Claudius (voice of Sylvester Stallone) now ruling over the once-happy people of Denmark, all seems lost for poor Prince Hamlet (Johnny Depp). But Hamlet's father (Leslie Nielson) is only pretending to be dead until he can safely help place his young son on the throne and his evil brother in jail. Featuring an underwater ballet with the beautiful Ophelia (Bette Midler) and the loony antics of a wise-guy skull named Yorick (Rodney Dangerfield), Hamlet's best friend.

4. The Thin Man. Luke Perry and Jenny McCarthy play Nick and Nora Charles, who couldn't investigate breakfast without the help of their talking dog Pasta, played by Eddie from Frasier.

3. The Philadelphia Story. Remade as Booty Call II, with Jamie Foxx and Tommy Davidson in the Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart roles. Tamala Jones and Vivica A. Fox are dual-cast in the Katharine Hepburn role, in an added mistaken identity plot twist that turns this from classic comedy into a real crowd-pleaser for the 90s.

2. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence. Revised for the 90s as The Man Who Outed Liberty Valance. Tom Hanks finally gets to do a real Jimmy Stewart role, with Bruce Willis in the John Wayne part and Ellen Degeneres as Liberty Valance. Instead of "pilgrim," Willis calls Hanks "Shirley."

And the number one movie remake we hope never to see:
1. Raging Bull. Tony Danza plays Jake LaMotta, and this time it's in color.

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