Margo started all this with a discussion thread on the Classic Movies Forum. She wrote, "What basic skills have you learned from the movies? I've read many times over the years that people used to learn a lot about basic and social skills from the movies. Classic movies have taught me how to dance, how to flip a pancake with one hand, how to introduce two strangers, how to choose clothing with a minimum of nonsense on it, how to sit like a lady, how to sit like a man and still look like a lady (got that one from Katharine Hepburn), how to make the classic Italian breakfast 'Egg in Bread' (from Moonstruck), and how to present a romantic meal.
"I could go on, but I want to hear your thoughts."
I think she got more than she bargained for, and I got enough material for a fun article. Here's an overview of the best responses, divided by me into several logical categories, with the screen name of the person who posted each one in parentheses. Be sure to click on the link at the end to go to Part II.
Good Advice
Don't take a ride on a boat named the Titanic. (cydcharisse)
Don't take a boat ride to a strange unlisted island, especially if you are blonde and pretty. If you do, stay on the boat. (cydcharisse)
Never say the words "Niagara Falls" if you are in jail; just trust me on this one. (cydcharisse)
Don't ever stay in the same hotel with Edward G. Robinson. (SAMMY378)
Never eat anything bigger than your head. (99JASPER)
Never visit an aviary with Tippi Hedren. (99JASPER)
Never go after the morning paper wearing nothing but a bath towel -- the front door will slam behind you and you'll be locked out. (SHEMP2)
The damsel in distress will not follow you unless you grab her arm and pull her along while running. (SHEMP2)
It can be anything from a moving candle to Dracula and Frankenstein; but if you see these things don't bother yelling for Bud Abbott... by the time he gets there the menace will be gone.(SHEMP2)
When checking into a motel in a remote location always lock the door before taking a shower. (ACTOR2)
Never trust a computer that thinks it's perfect. (ACTOR2)
Always count the number of shots you have fired. (ACTOR2)
When nominated for an Oscar always have an acceptance speech prepared, even if your chances of winning are zilch. (ACTOR2)
Do not sit on a nuclear bomb while trying to fix the bomb bay door. (ACTOR2)
Cell phones are useless on remote south sea islands. (Thank God) (ACTOR2)
Delving into Egyptian tombs is dangerous but digging up icons mentioned in the Old Testament is really asking for trouble. (ACTOR2)
Never give water to anyone with a belly wound. (DMAC1965)
Never get a job as a security guard at a scientific research center. (TRALFAZ1)
It is possible to be a strong and tough woman and still move with grace and style. (LADYHAWKE3)
Be plucky -- be as plucky as hell, without making people puke. (99JASPER)
Shave + haircut = 2 bits (99JASPER)
Dubious Advice
I've learned how to clear a swimming pool with one candy bar. (BIGTEX3)
Putting a mouse in a beer bottle and pretending it was already there won't work, ya hoser. (cydcharisse)
If you get soaked to the bone because you didn't feel like opening your umbrella, you don't have to worry, you won't die of pneumonia. (Daphna)
If you are being chased by someone in a car, brace yourself. You are about to run into a fruit stand. (BIGTEX3)
Always watch for a dog's reactions to the people you're with, as dogs can smell bad intentions; If he/she growls at anybody, chances are that person is either a psychopath on the run, an evil space creature in disguise, a puppet of a superior malevolent force, or an enemy spy made to look like your favorite uncle via advanced plastic surgery techniques. Works sometimes with cats, too. And horses. (TRALFAZ1)
If you're all dressed up in fancy duds, stay away from swimming pools, as you will inevitably either jump or be pushed in within a matter of moments. Never fails. (TRALFAZ1)
Cars are equipped with low-level lights under the dashboard that enable the faces of the driver and front-seat passenger to be illuminated. (SHEMP2)
I have learned how to drive a car without looking at the road for minutes at a time. I have learned that it is better to play close attention to my lovely passengers -- watching their lips move, smiling, lighting their cigarettes -- while miles pass by. (TOMA714)
Being friendly to the sailors on leave really will turn out just fine. (PAMRNY)
There is no such thing as "over-dressed." (PAMRNY)
The winning horse never leads from wire to wire. (ACTOR2)
When nominated for an Oscar you can increase your chances of winning by (1)announcing beforehand that you will not accept it, (2)staying away from the ceremonies and locking yourself in your apartment in New York or (3)not having an acceptance speech prepared. (ACTOR2)
If the police figure out who did it in less than an hour they have the wrong guy. (ACTOR2)
In New York City it is legal for Australian nationals to carry large Bowie knives. (ACTOR2)
Any car going over a cliff will explode spontaneously. (DMAC1965)
Always strive to be the first or second person in line, when part of a group inching across a narrow ledge along a high cliff. The ledge always weakens and gives way under the unlucky feet of the third person in line. (TRALFAZ1)
It doesn't matter how hopeless your trial seems to be going, your inexperienced and vastly underrated lawyer (who works for no fee), will get the clever, sophisticated guilty party, who has cooly put together a fiendish plot, to break down and confess on the witness stand. (DMAC1965)
It doesn't matter how mean-spirited, cruel, and money grubbing a businessman is, he will, in the end, discover the true meaning of love and compassion for his fellow human beings through the efforts of a cute child or adorable little animal...so aunt Martha will get to keep her house after all. (DMAC1965)
If you are fabulously wealthy and lose your income, you will be totally tattered and "on the bum" within one day. Every old west bar you enter, the piano player will be playing "Oh those Golden Slippers". Never worry about the correct change, just plop down what you think you owe, than leave. You can make most phone calls dialing 5 numbers. (DMAC1965)
A small cough means "prognosis negative." (DMAC1965)
One right uppercut will knock the biggest guy out cold. (DMAC1965)
If a woman slaps a man, he may slap you back. (DMAC1965)
I've also learned that, YOU CAN'T CHEAT AN HONEST MAN, NEVER GIVE A SUCKER AN EVEN BREAK, and NEVER SMARTIN UP A CHUMP. (DMAC1965)
If you can get the insurance salesman to murder your husband and make it look like an accident, you can collect double indemnity on the insurance. (LADYHAWKE3)
Big apes are really into blondes, so being born brunette really isn't that bad. (LADYHAWKE3)
Big apes can sometimes be controlled with a chorus of Beautiful Dreamer. (LADYHAWKE3)
Anywhere on Earth, 4 out of 5 of the hotel desk clerks, department store floor managers, bank examiners, radio announcers, and snooty restaurant maitre'ds you're likely to encounter are Franklin Pangborn, and 5 out of 5 bellhops are Elisha Cook, Jr. (TRALFAZ1)
Be prepared for the fact that both Heaven and Hell are both run like huge, mostly-efficient bureaucracies. (TRALFAZ1)
You and a friend/colleague can discuss, out loud, secret, sensitive information that could jeopardize yourselves and/or the public at large, as long as you do it while walking down a city street as part of a huge crowd of people, and not even those next to you will seem to overhear you and react in any way. Often works the same way in a crowded restaurant. (TRALFAZ1)
No matter what the odds, no matter how dire the circumstances, Shirley Temple WILL reunite with her forcibly estranged father/grandfather/most-beloved relative. (99JASPER)
Never turn to light the cigarette of a stranger of the opposite sex unless you have some time on your hands and are ready for a crazy, new relationship with wacky, death-defying adventures. (99JASPER)
The more professionally successful a woman, the more disastrous her first attempt at cooking. (Margo)
Don't ever say you wish you were never born or else something is sure to come and show you what life would be like without you. Life without you is always really bad and looks like Gotham City with no Batman. (Daphna)
Bad deeds never go unpunished. (STEVECHRIS)
The little light in the fridge... it stays on! (SHEMP2)
Things You Learned How to Do By Watching Films
How to make strong men weak with one little suggestive tweak of your legs. (Margo)
How to dress with style in the manner than suits your size and shape. (SAMMY378)
How to order in a restaurant. How to eat your meal without appearing to chew and toss off a few interesting comments in the process. (SAMMY378)
How to order a pink champange cocktail and then never drink a drop of it. (SAMMY378)
How to walk across the room so gracefully, yet understatedly. (SAMMY378)
How to fall in the love the right way AND the wrong way. (SAMMY378)
How to dance should William Holden ever appear out of the shadows and see you as the most gorgeous woman on earth. (SAMMY378)
How to become a high-level advertising executive at age 22, get murdered but not die, and listen more eloquently than words. (SAMMY378)
How to ride horseback without messing up your hair. (SAMMY378)
How to find the perfect house in the country, yet only minutes from New York. (SAMMY378)
How to smoke with complete eloquence. (SAMMY378)
How to express yourself without 4-letter words. (But from GWTW I learned the power of the right word at the right time and right place with the right tone of voice.) (STEVECHRIS)
How to show your love with clothes on. (STEVECHRIS)
From Charlie Chaplin, the proper technique for eating shoes. (STEVECHRIS)
From James Cagney, the best way to apply a grapefruit facial. (STEVECHRIS)
From Buster Keaton's Seven Chances and a recent TV show... the problems that can come from several women wanting to marry a man just for his money. (STEVECHRIS)
But I also learned How to Marry a Millionaire. (STEVECHRIS)
I also learned How to Steal a Million and How to Murder Your Wife, but I wouldn't recommend doing either. (STEVECHRIS)
How to wake up with makeup perfectly applied. (MISSGODDESS)
How to endlessly chain smoke without getting lung cancer. (MISSGODDESS)
How to break into a car. (CVALANCE)
How to pour tea. (PAMRNY)
How descend a staircase. (PAMRNY)
How to captivate 15 of the most devastating men in order to thwart the out-of-town interloper. (PAMRNY)
How to conduct yourself if you happen to be invited by the Queen of England to Buckingham Palace. (ANNETTE18)
I learned how to throw great lively cocktail parties (Rosalind Russell in Auntie Mame), thwart possible unwanted additions to the family (same movie) get revenge on a husband stealing shop girl (The Women with Norma Shearer) How to catch a man (Sun Valley Seranade) and how not to can peaches (Holiday Inn). (AMANDA702)
The Realms of Adventure, Fantasy, Horror, and Sci-Fi
If you run away from home, meet a fortune teller, and get caught in a tornado, remember your broom or you will have to do a lot of walking down a yellow brick road. (cydcharisse)
If something bad happens and a Catholic priest is involved, he will turn out to be a homicidal pedophile. (BIGTEX3)
If you are about to be killed by a madman bent on world domination, take notes. He will reveal his entire plan including names, places, and codes, before you miraculously escape. (BIGTEX3)
Scientists are always mad; there's nothing you can do about it. (Daphna)
Aliens, zombies, and other kinds of monsters are always around radiation. And radiation is never complete without some kind of flesh eating monster. (Daphna)
You're in trouble if you meet a guy who says his last name first, his first name second, and his last name third. Especially if his initials are J. B. If you trust him, you're sure to end up in bed with him and if you don't you'll probably be killed. (Daphna)
Even giant gorillas can fall in love. (Daphna)
Where there's one giant gorilla, you're sure to find another. (Daphna)
The other gorilla can also fall in love. (Daphna)
If you go digging in Egyptian tombs, something is bound to follow you out. (LADYHAWKE3)
Ditto for walking around in cemetaries after dark. (LADYHAWKE3)
When you smell mimosa in the air, or any other type of strong fragrance, but no one admits to wearing the perfume, it's time to get out of the house. (LADYHAWKE3)
When planning to take over the world the urge to find someone with the intelligence to really appreciate the brilliance of your scheme is a definite handicap. (ACTOR2)
If people around you are being killed by a slasher your chances of survival are greater if you keep your clothes on and your virginity intact. (ACTOR2)
The aliens may have the scientific expertise to travel hundreds of light years to Earth, develop incredible weapons of destruction, and have almost infinite sources or energy, but they can't beat Jeff Goldblum and his trusty laptop. Must be a Mac. (DMAC1965)
Any computer password block can be overcome simply by typing "override." (DMAC1965)
Never keep a cellar full of failed human experiments around, for they will be set free and turn on you in the last reel. (TRALFAZ1)
If you somehow find yourself on a lost continent/plateau/underground world, where prehistoric life and/or ancient civilizations still flourish, get out of there as quickly as possible, as a devastating volcanic upheaval is imminent! (TRALFAZ1)
If you are issued several exotic gadgets at the beginning of a mission, hold on to them dearly, as you will inevitably need to use every last one of them to save your life before the job is done. (TRALFAZ1)
All secret agents know how to disarm nuclear weapons. Since Goldfinger was made, that is. Before that they didn't have a clue. (ACTOR2)
People who wander about at night wearing masks and spandex are better able to deal with crime than trained police officers. (ACTOR2)
Computers can read lips. (ACTOR2)
It is possible to hack into NORAD and start WWIII via the internet. (ACTOR2)
Weightlessness can only be experienced in spacecraft built by NASA or Stanley Kubrick. (ACTOR2)
