Part II
Fights and Guns, Dames and Gangsters, Prisons and Jailbirds
- Guns that are empty are to be thrown at one's target in a last-ditch effort to gain the upper hand. (SHEMP2)
- A fistfight, involving breaking chairs and other bric-a-brac, will generally breakout sometime during a chapter of a Republic serial... if the participants are wearing hats, they will not come off during said fistfight. (SHEMP2)
- If you plan to become a gangster, make sure you're an only child; otherwise, your younger brother will turn to the side of good, eventually becoming D.A. and putting your "bee-hind" away. (SHEMP2)
- While the bullet or beating never seems to hurt, the iodine kills ya. (PAMRNY)
- I've learned that if you're doing "the book" and you're planning a "crash out" just be patient, a pardon is coming. (THESPOTS)
- Stay away from mugs in stir called Limpy or Polecat. (THESPOTS)
- If you're a newspaperman and you get framed for drunk driving and vehicular manslaughter, demand a blood alcohol test immediately; it will save you a stretch in the pen. (THESPOTS)
- If you think a guy called Butch stole your cigs, your hunch is right. (THESPOTS)
- Never crash out on Saturday; that's your bad luck day. (THESPOTS)
- If they start serving swill that "ain't fit for pigs," bang your plate on the table and yell "YA YA YA," the other boys will join right in. (THESPOTS)
- And there are only two jobs available for skirts, Dime a Dance Dame or singing at a club as an "off key canary." (THESPOTS)
- I recommend canary 'cause you only have one number. (THESPOTS)
- If you are ever locked in the trunk of a car by a gangster called Cody, don't yell to him that "it's stuffy in here." (THESPOTS)
- And never, ever adopt an ownerless mutt called Pard. (THESPOTS)
Rules of War
- If the Japanese or Germans are launching torpedoes at your submarine, it will only shake the vessel violently...and water will flood only one compartment. And you can bet that Clark Gable won't even break a sweat. In fact, he'll know instinctly what instructions to fire off so that a single American torpedo...once precisely launched after agonizing delays...will not only completely destroy the enemy submarine, but all the enemy ships in the vicinity. (Sammy378)
- Leaks in submarines caused by depth charges can be stopped by tightening the appropriate pipe fitting. (ACTOR2)
- Live grenades thrown uphill will not roll back down on you. (ACTOR2)
- The dogface who's just read a letter from his wife/girlfriend is usually the next candidate to be dead meat. (SHEMP2)
Cartoon Rules
- The speed of sound from the bottom of the Grand Canyon to the top is the same as the speed of light. (ACTOR2)
- Acme makes absolutely unreliable stuff. (ACTOR2)
- Chipmunks are smarter than ducks. (ACTOR2)
- A male duck who is clothed from the waist up is fully dressed, but if you surprise him when he is completely nude he will try to cover himself from the waist down. (ACTOR2)
- It's always duck season except when it's wabbit season. (ACTOR2)
- Never let Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck shave you. (SHEMP2)
- Only a toon would kill a guy by dropping a piano on his head. (ACTOR2)
Advice For Those in Love
- The man you meet accidentally and hate his guts immediately is the man that you end up madly in love with only an hour and a half later. (Daphna)
- If you fall in love with a married or engaged man, you won't be a home wrecker because the wife/fiancee isn't in love anyway (Which makes falling in love with a married man very moral). (Daphna)
- Don't go into Moroccan bars unless you want to see the love of your life. (SAMMY378)
- Wait until the last minute to catch the train, and never be late -- unless your true love is already on the train and you'll never see him again. (SAMMY378)
- I've learned from Barb Stanwyck that the true test that you really love a man is that you can't put that second slug into him. (THESPOTS)
- There is some secret way to get absolutely any beautiful woman to sleep with you on the first date. I have not figured out what it is. My letters to Sean Connery on this subject have not been answered. (ACTOR2)
Rules About Musicals
- If you feel happy, sad, mad, lonely, etc., just break out in song -- at any place -- and everyone around you will automatically know all the dance steps and all the words, and magically, music appears out of nowhere, and when you are done singing and dancing, everyone goes back to what they were doing as if it is normal. (cydcharisse)
- If Gene and Vera, Frank and Betty, and Jules and Anne actually started that dance at the entrance of the Empire State Building, they'd end up somewhere in the middle of 34th St. (PAMRNY)
- So long as the conductor knows the song, the orchestra can play it. (PAMRNY)
- And you don't need to tell the conductor what song you are going to sing or the key. (PAMRNY)
Things You Learned About Telephones
- How to stare at a phone to make it ring.
- How to stare at a phone's receiver after I've just heard incredulous news.
- How to jiggle the disconnect button several times after the person I need to speak to most in the world has disconnected, even though that never, ever works.
- How to hold the receiver under my chin, so that the camera can get a good, juicy close-up of my emoting.
- How to smile and sound like I'm laughing when I'm really crying, because I'm so brave and selfless.
- How to hang up slowly and thoughtfully after speaking to my lover, and let my hand linger on the phone.
- Best phone answerer: Stanwyck, no contest.
- Best hanger-upper: Lana Turner. You'd swear she was in love with it.
(Margo)Rules For the Paranoid
- There are psycho people out there. They can get you at a motel (especially in the shower). They can get you at your prom. And Phebes can get you anywhere.
- They can get you with a knife, a chainsaw, or even lasers. But bad guys usually do not have good aim with a gun.
- You are not safe in planes, trains, buses or ocean liners.
- If it's not people, it could be animals such as lions or tigers or bears (oh my), the birds or the bees, or sharks.
- Or it could be other creatures: Frankenstein, Dracula, mummies or bigfoots (except for Harry).
- Or even monster creatures such as giant gorrillas or dinosaur-like animals. Fortunately, I do not live in Japan, where most of these attack.
- There are earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, or fires that could get you.
- Or the supernatural, ghosts, evil spirits, or poltergeists.
- Or it could even come from outer space, such as meteors or various sorts of aliens.
- I am always fearfully watching, looking to see who or what is going to get me next.
(STEVECHRIS)Things Learned From Robert Mitchum Movies
- Never underestimate a beautiful woman. She may be trying to kill you or working with people who have a grudge from the past. (Daphna)
- Men who don't say much usually have deep voices. (I wonder about Harpo.) (Daphna)
- If you get paid to do one last thing before you can turn over a new leaf and become an honest man, you can be sure you're being followed and that someone wants you dead. (Daphna)
- People from your past who suddenly come back into your life asking a favor won't take no for an answer. (Daphna)
- When you're in a foreign country and you keep bumping into the same person, they're probably the police, but don't worry, they're not after you but after the person who's after you (or the person that you're after). (Daphna)
- The mysterious man you bump into a couple of times in a strange place is probably going to get you mixed up with the police and all kinds of shady figures. (Thank you, Robert Mitchum.) (Daphna)
The Cary Grant Rules
- Always, always be ready to kiss Cary Grant, given the opportunity. (SAMMY378)
- If you're walking in a restaurant and a very handsome man comes up and stands really really close to your back section, it's not cause he likes you, but because there's a rip in your dress. (Daphna)
- When the back of your dress rips, always be sure you're standing very very close to Cary Grant; he's sure to help you out (lucky girl). (Daphna)
Important Life Lessons
- I learned that to have integrity, to be considered a person of values and of keeping his/her word, is worth more than all the riches or fame that others can gather. I learned that riches and fame, earned with intergrity are worth more. (LADYHAWKE3)
- I learned that even good guys can make mistakes, but it doesn't mean they can't still be considered good. And I learned that bad guys can change their lives and become good guys. (LADYHAWKE3)
- Can't say I learned much from newer movies. Except maybe that when a group of teens gets together they are going to start being hunted by an ax wielding mad man. Big difference from when Mickey and Judy were able to get the kids together to put on a show in the barn. If that movie was made these days, Freddy Kruegar would have been Judy's dancing partner. (LADYHAWKE3)
- The best skill I learned is to carry myself as a strong and confident individual. You gain more respect that way. Like Loretta Young in Rachel and The Stranger. When did William Holden get most attractive to her? When she started speaking up and defending herself. In Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, did Millie (Jane Powell) crumble when she was met the challenge of all those Pontepee boys? NO, she got right down to business and did what she had to do and in return, she gained the respect and admiration of all of them. I try to use those very skilled characters as my guides in hopes that I too can gain the respect of my fellow human beings. But I guess the most important thing I learned is that it is okay to dream. So many characters in the classic films of the 40s and 50s had wonderful ambitions and they allowed themselves to go after a dream. (LIZ0120)
Things I Learned From the Movies, Part I
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