One of the first articles I created for this site was a list of the Top Ten Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See (a humor article, needless to say). It was so popular that I decided to follow up with some more classic movie remakes we really hope never to see!
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. A faithful remake of the star-studded comedy classic, with Jerry Seinfeld, Drew Carrey, Jim Carrey, Chris Farley, Chris Rock, Tom Arnold, Tim Allen, Roseanne Barr, The Simpsons, Beavis and Butt-Head, Rob Schneider, Cybill Shepard, Brooke Shields, Judd Hirsch, Bob Newhart, Will Smith, Dan Aykroyd, Paul Reiser, Helen Hunt, David Letterman, Kelsey Grammar, David Hyde-Pierce, and every other TV comedy star or former TV comedy star alive, plus Hector Elizondo as the straight man.
Little Caesar. Joe Pesci as Enrico Bordello, a ruthless pizza delivery guy who aspires to become the pasta king of Cleveland. He dies in a hail of police gunfire when he tries to deliver pies to people who didn't order them. Famed for Rico's immortal dying words, "Is this the end of the independent pizza delivery franchise?"
Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. This was almost remade in 1954, with Ronald Reagan as Jefferson Smith, a starry-eyed patriotic bumpkin who becomes the unwitting stooge of the communists, but learns the truth at the last minute and enlists the aid of Senator McCarthy and the House Unamerican Activities Committee to smash the red conspiracy. The project was dropped when the producers couldn't find a competent writer willing to do the screenplay.
Harvey. A Disney cartoon remake, with Nicholas Cage as the voice of Elwood, a lovable bear who has a young, invisible human friend named Harvey (voice of Johnathan Taylor Thomas). The other bears think he's crazy, but harmless, until Elwood, his sister Veta (voice of Rosie O'Donnell), and Dr. Chumley (voice of Patrick Stewart) are captured and sent off to live in a zoo. But Harvey uses his magical powers to become visible just long enough to free them from captivity. The bears are so grateful, they elect Elwood mayor of Bear Town, in spite of his well-known fondness for clover honey.
Blackboard Jungle. Musical remake starring the cast of Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Screech returns to his old high school, as principal this time, to discover that it's gone downhill since he was last there. But he turns the situation around in his inimitable (and tuneful) way, with the help of guest-star (and fellow nurd) Jaleel White. Cameo appearance by Elizabeth Berkley as a former student turned exotic dancer who casts off her evil ways, gains 50 pounds, and takes a job as the school's dietician.
How To Stuff A Wild Bikini. Frankie and Annette, with Dwayne Hickman, reprise their roles in this most forgettable of the 60s beach movies. Mickey Rooney, Brian Donlevy, and Buster Keaton also show up again, not having aged a day (or died, as the case may be), thanks to the magic of video editing.
The Caine Mutiny. The World War II drama gets a change of venue; this time it takes place on The Good Ship Microsoft. A young vice-president (Tom Cruise) newly recruited from Sun Microsystems ends up in court after he seizes control of the company from Bill Gates (played by the nurdy guy from News Radio). The final straw? When Bill turns the company around and steams over his own bottom line.
And finally...
The Odd Couple. Starring Ellen Degeneres and k.d. lang. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Top Ten Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
Still More Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
Even More Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
