Two years after the second installment of Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See, I realized that we have continued to experience an increasing deluge of remakes, some of which came close to being parodies themselves! Hitchcock has been particularly maligned in this respect.
But there are still a few goofy ideas that Hollywood or the indies haven't latched onto, which we present for your enjoyment. At the end of this article you'll find links to the two previous installments as well as the more recent one, in case you haven't seen them:
North by Northwest. Remade as South by Southwest, starring John Cusack as a New York Coca-Cola executive being pursued south (on Southwest Airlines) to Las Vegas by Chinese gangsters who think he wants to sell them Coke's secret formula as well as by gunsels from Atlanta trying to keep him from revealing the sacred recipe. He's chased through the Nevada Desert by the Goodyear Blimp (in slow motion) and climbs the Luxor Sphinx to escape gunmen. Calista Flockhart is even more confused and confusing in the Eva Marie Saint role.
The Sound of Music. Jennifer Love Hewitt takes on the role made famous by Julie Andrews. Instead of a nun, though, she's a costar on a popular prime time TV show who is sent to another program when her presence becomes disruptive to the careers of the other cast members. On her new show she discovers a cast full of talented child actors who are being held back from achieving their full potential by a dictatorial producer and a clueless leading man. Her pluckiness and winning personality save the day, and the children. Just before release, the film is retitled The Sound of Whining.
The African Queen. Samuel L. Jackson is a Harlem cabdriver trying to get a passenger, played by Whoopie Goldberg, uptown during a New York power failure. Retitled The African-American Queen, it would have been entertaining if they hadn't decided to replace the Germans with vampires...
The Godfather. Disney breaks dubious new ground with this animated musical version of the gangster classic. Continuing in the successful tradition of Antz and A Bugs Life, this is the story of the Cockroachleone family and its battle for control of the kitchen. Surprisingly, Marlon Brando reprises his live action role as the voice of Don Vito Cockroachleone, but since Al Pacino wasn't remotely interested, the voice of Michael Cockroachleone is dubbed by Andrew Dice Clay. Also featuring Rosie O'Donnell as Kay Adams, Robin Williams as Sonny, and Rodney Dangerfield as Tom Hagen. Musical numbers include "There's An Ant's Proboscus in My Nest," "He's Sleeping (In the Sink) With the Dishes," and "I Still Don't Get No Respect" (Tom Hagen's big scene).
You Can't Take It With You. Starring the cast of Dawson's Creek, in a tale of two groups of teenagers who are faced with a major cultural clash: Pacific Sunwear vs. Abercrombie & Fitch. James Van Der Beek plays the Jimmy Stewart role more for pathos than guffaws, and it's all downhill from that point. Katie Holmes plays the Jean Arthur role with anti-gusto. Michelle Williams would be better as Essie if she could dance. The Barrymore, Arnold, and Byington roles are written out to make room for more kids. In the end they discover that, in fact, you can take it with you, and they all head for The Gap.
Meet John Doe. In a fateful reuniting of the cast of Mystery Men, a homeless man (Ben Stiller) is hired by a pro-assisted suicide activist (Janeane Garofalo) to pretend he's going to commit suicide on New Year's Eve. His buddy (Paul Reubens) thinks it's all a scam, but D.B. Norton (William H. Macy) convinces him to do it. However, it all turns out to be a plot by anti-suicide fanatics to make the assisted suicide movement look bad. The entire cast gathers on New Year's Eve and mercifully commits mass suicide, with the exception of Sourpuss (Hank Azaria), who doesn't hear the command to drink the poison.
Freaks. The Musical. Pinheads singing, human skeletons dancing... it makes Cats look like Singin' in the Rain. A festival of political incorrectness.
And, last but definitely not least...
The Wild One. Adam Sandler on a snowmobile. It's not pretty.
Top Ten Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
More Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
Even More Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
