Since the first installment in this series, Top Ten Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See, Hollywood has continued to outdo itself in the rush to remake not only old movies, but old TV shows, as well. Most of the TV shows that have been made into movies have turned out to be such ridiculous parodies of themselves that there's nothing more we could say on the subject. But it turns out that there are still a few more movies that Hollywood has yet to remake, and it is our hope that we can forestall these travesties with a little gentle humor. At least we hope you think it's funny. If so, be sure to check out the three previous features; you'll find links at the end of this one.
Citizen Kane - Remade as (you guessed it) Citizen Bush. He promotes an unnecessary war, runs for public office, makes a fool of himself over a woman, amasses the world's largest collection of roach clips, and ends his days clearing brush from a 10,000-acre ranch in Texas. His last words are "Zig-Zag..."
Lawrence Of Arabia - During the Iraq war, a young American lieutenant sent to observe the Kurds instead organizes them to successfully drive Sadaam's forces out of Kurdistan. But he is recalled and given a dishonorable discharge when he admits to being gay. Retitled Kevin of Kurdistan, it will be shot entirely in the desert outside Las Vegas in 16mm.
A Stolen Life - Instead of Bette Davis playing a dual role, we have Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who are used to playing each other from their years on Full House, appearing as twin sisters with very different lifestyles. When one sister starves herself to death in a failed attempt to win the hand of a gentle-hearted but confused young man (played by Chris Klein), the other takes her place, but can't pull it off because she loves to eat too much and has no acting talent.
I Want to Live! - The 1958 Susan Hayward hit about a woman falsely convicted of murder and condemned to die in the gas chamber is remade as I Want to Decorate!, the story of Martha Stewart's grueling imprisonment for lying about her stock transactions, followed by the even more horrendous house arrest. Renée Zellweger stars as Stewart, running the gamut of emotions from A to B.
Paths of Glory - The Musical - After the resounding success of Moulin Rouge, Baz Luhrmann decides to turn one of the grittiest anti-war dramas ever into a blockbuster musical. Dancing corpses performing medlies of patriotic tunes from World War One guarantee that it will be a success among the same people who enjoyed a musical about prostitution and alcoholism with a soundtrack made up mostly of recycled disco tunes.
Schindler's List - Oskar the German Shepard saves hundreds of Thanksgiving turkeys from the chopping block by teaching them how to be leader turkeys for the blind, in this heartwarming Disney animation. Robin Williams is the voice of Oskar, while Gilbert Gottfried voices Itzhak, the turkey who helps Oskar pull it off.
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner? - Alan Alda and Mary Tyler Moore star as a wealthy red state couple whose only daughter (Hilary Duff) announces that she's engaged to a blue state liberal (Ben Stiller) and is bringing him home to visit along with his parents (Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand, reprising their roles from Meet the Fockers and still not quite getting it right). At first it's an uncomfortable situation, but the red-staters and the blue-staters manage to reach an understanding with the help of their wise chauffeur, played by Samuel L. Jackson, who helps them understand that politics is insignificant compared to what's really important in life: Getting better gas mileage without sacrificing performance.
Finally, we come to the worst idea of all...
Woman of the Year - The great Tracy/Hepburn vehicle is remade as the story of George Bush and Harriet Miers. Make up your own jokes.
Top Ten Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
More Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
Still More Movie Remakes We Hope Never To See
